What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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