I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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