On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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