I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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