I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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