What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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