Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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