I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
