Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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