im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
