hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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