Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
