I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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