I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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