And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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