I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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