battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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