So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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