I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
