Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Two words: blizzard sex
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
