I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
