I didn't shave. On purpose
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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