I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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