so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
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