I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
