am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I need moral support for this bender
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
