Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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