Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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