so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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