If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
