I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
