Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
