I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
