Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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