remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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