woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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