I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
