no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
