??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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