I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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