I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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