My hand turned me down
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
