standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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