Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize