I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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