$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
