I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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