I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
