True but thats because hes a fetus.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
