Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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