i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
