More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
