Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
