You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
