And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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