He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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