I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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